I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

So since no one ever reads my shit anymore I have decided that I shall write whatever I feel like.  So my senior year sucked.  And it was awesome.  My closest friend went completely insane and left me.  We had been best friends since the 2nd grade and then she just shut off from me.  I didn't know what was going on.  I couldn't figure out what I'd done wrong.  I went to a very dark place.  I didn't get on here every and I partially blame that on why people don't talk to me on here anymore.  I hated everything.  I just wanted to die.  Everything was going crazy.  I was worried with ACTs and stuff.  I had never taken the damn test and it was the middle of my senior year.  I flipped out.  I took a VERY easy two years of science my freshman and sophomore year and so I guessed on that whole part.  I couldn't even read the questions.  I'm really bad at math too so I guessed again.  Then on the reading and English portion where I actually knew what I was doing I only got half done.  I can't work that fast I mean come on you get like .3 seconds a question.  I can't even read the question in that time.  It sucked and I got a 21 which equal major suckage and a bad college.  I was freaking out.  There was no way Truman was gonna take me with that kind of score not only did they require 3 years of science but they also required at least a 25 on the ACT.  I filled out the 4 page plus essay question application and thankfully got in.  No idea how that happened but it did and now I go there although a lot of the time I wish I didn't.  There was a month waiting period between taking the ACT and getting into Truman so that took my dark period to the abyss.  And then there's the FAFSA.  OMG I hate that thing.  Anybody but me think I'm starting to sound like a character in a bad teen drama?  Of course not cause no one's reading this.  Awkward.  Anyway.  I was going completely insane and had no idea what to do.  I had 2 close friends that were still talking to me and one of them was in college so I pretty much had one friend.  Let me tell ya one really is the loneliest number.  I mean bless her heart she tried but I felt like she was giving up so much time to be with me and I had spent so much time with the others in the past I felt like I was using her so I felt bad being moody which made me more moody.  I'm complicated.  I'm still deeply affected by what happened.  When I got to college my walls that I had built so very high in the past had been reinforced and doubled in size.  I can't make friends as easily as I used to.  That's really had for me.  I'm a people pleaser I need them to like me even if they don't like me.  People have always and will always think I'm weird but they've always thought it was cute and liked my more for it.  Now I'm just weird.  I can't do that.  I need people to like me.  I need to be talked to not about.  The last half of my senior year was hell and heaven.  I had so much fun with Cassandra but when she was gone all I could do was think about what else had happened.  I'll post another journal later about the details of what happened but right now I just wanna get out how I felt about it.  No one cares how it made me feel they just want me to be sorry for what I did.  How can I be sorry if I still don't understand what I did?  She's the one that ignored me.  I really don't get it.  We're texteing now and pretending nothing happened but I can't go one day without thinking about what happened how it could be my fault cause it had to be.  I mean if my closest friends say I ruined our relationship than I had to, right?  I'm still pissed as hell but I'll just keep that to myself cause last time I told anyone how I felt my life was ruined.  How could I be so stupid?

1: Who are you?

2: Why do you care?

1: Why are you here?

2: Why are you?

1: Where are you going?

2: Why does it matter?

1: Where have you been?

2: Where could I go?

1: What are you looking at?

2: What is there to see?

1: Why won't you answer me?

2: Why do you ask?

1: Why are you sad?

2: Why are you not?

1: Why not be happy?

2: Why are you not?

1: What do you want from me?

2: Am I not allowed to want?

1: Is this a game to you?

2: Isn't it all a game?

1: What more can I do?

2: What have you done?

1: Have I not done enough?

2: Can anyone?

1: Why are you here?

2: Why do you need me?

1: Why don't you leave?

2: Why can't I stay?

1: Why won't you?

2: Why would I?

1: Why do you always go?

2: Why would I stay?

1: Don't you wish to?

2: How could I?

1: Why must I be alone?

2: Why must I?

1: Can't you stay?

2: Can't you go?

1: How would I?

2: Don't you know?

1: What if I can't?

2: What if you must?

1: Can't we stay?

2: Why would I stay?

1: When will you leave?

2: When will you?

1: Why can't you stay?

2: Why does the moon rise?

1: Why won't you stay?

2: Why does it fall?

1: Why must you go?

2: Why does the sun rise?

1: Why would you leave?

2: Why does it fall?

1: Why not stay?

2: Why must anything happen?

1: How far will you go?

2: How far is there?

1: How far are you now?

2: How much can you see?

1: Why won't you stay?

2: Why do dogs run?

1: Why must you leave?

2: Why is the grass green?

1: Why won't you answer me?

2: Why won't you let me go?

1: What if I can't?

2: How can you not?

1: Why do always leave?

2: Why do they make me?

1: Why are we so young?

2: Why can't you act older?

1: Why must we?

2: Is there a choice?

1: Why must we always lose?

2: Why would we ever win?

1: Mustn't we?

2: How could we?

1: Why did they do it?

2: Why wouldn't they?

1: Why wouldn't they leave us alone?

2: How could they?

1: Why can't we have peace?

2: How can we have peace in war?

1: What did we do?

2: What didn't we do?

1: Why does it matter?

2: Why wouldn't it?

1: Why will you leave?

2: How could I stay?

1: Why are you gone?

2: Why are you not?

1: Why must we fight?

2: Why wouldn't we?

1: Why must we have war?

2: How could we be free?

1: Why can't you stay?

2: How can you?

1: Can I leave?

2: Can't you?

1: Why won't you stay?

2: Why won't you let me go?

1: When will you come back?

2: Why won't you stop?

1: When will I see you again?

2: When will you leave?

1: Why do I miss you?

2: Why can't I you?

1: Why can't I see you?

2: Why would you?

1: Why can't I feel you?

2: How could you?

1: Why did they kill you?

2: Why do I miss you?

1: Why couldn't you have been younger?

2: Why are you?

1: Why do I forget you?

2: Good night.

1: Who are you?

2: Sleep and you will remember.

1: Why are you here?

2: When you wake you will know.

1: Why did they kill me?

If you've ever read my stuff you know I kinda like to rant and I've been gone for a very long time dealing with problems and no one's let me rant in a while so I'm back and I'm gonna say whatever the hell I want to even though it seems like no one's talking to me lately and this probably won't be read I don't care.  I'm back with a vengeance.

 

heart,

Averyhiddensoul

_{Do not cross a quiet person.  By nature they keep to themselves, but if provoked they can  unleash a fury unlike anything you have ever witnessed.  Quiet means silence and in silence we are alone with our thought where our most malicious thoughts come out to play.  Knowledge is power and much power can be gained by just sitting awhile with yourself and listening to the world around you.  The quiet one in the corner with eyes open to the world sees all you do, hears all you say.  Knowledge is power.  I possess great power in my silence.  It takes great strength to bite one's tongue.  Do not cross the silent for they are powerful beyond all words expressed.  Silence is not golden, it's red.  Red with power, anger, revenge.  It is the loudest thing in all the world.  Silence is the loudest anything could ever be.  Be silent.  Be loud.  Be powerful. Be knowledgeable. Be red.  But do not underestimate those who surround you but do not partake.  The shy are not timid, meek, and mild they are patient, watchful, and wise.  You are warned.  Be with caution when the owl is watching.  No one is safe, nothing unseen, when the owl's tree is occupied.  The sheep will shed its wool, the snake its skin, the liar its lies.  All will be revealed in due time.  None go unpunished of their evildoing.  Whooo.}

I'm not intending that I myself believe that there are people out there that deserve the pain they have I'm just asking are some people just born to be hurt by others and even themselves? Take myself for example I have alot of friends, I'm busy with golf, band, choir, dance, a play, drama club, Spanish club, and key club but yet I'm always angry and always sad and I find that my friends are the same way. (Just read my journals) Now no one will probably read this but I just thought is was worth a try. I have these fantastic friends I'd literally die for and yet when they have problems there's nothing any of us can do to make them happy and I'm the same way. I throw things and write rants which I post as journals and then no one reads. I was just curious if anyone else felt this way and by the way I've posted this in another group as well. Thanks for your time.

Why My Life Sucks

Why does my life suck? Well if you haven’t caught on yet then you’ve answered your own question. I’m not notices, how many fucking times do I have to say it to get someone to listen to me? I could scream ‘I’m not noticed’ and someone would say ‘huh?’. Why thank you idiot for proving my point. Even if I were to ‘spill’ to my friends as they say they’d like me to I don’t think it would matter. They’d either make it about them or not pay attention. It’s not their fault, I’m just not that interesting. I totally get that & that’s why I keep my petty problems to myself. I’ve always known that there was nothing special about me ant it’s just be enforced by parents, teacher, friends, and classmates. I suck at life. I have no special gift. I’m not pretty, or smart, or talented or something like that. I’m just one of those people who are just there. Space fillers: something of no importance beside taking up room; expendable. I’ve already expressed my feelings for my role as the ‘dog’, but the thing about being the hated dog that people kick, maybe one day someone will kick to hard and then I won’t have to worry about it anymore. Through out my life I’ve had friends replace me, trade me in for a less satirical model, or just ‘dump’ me. I try so hard to be the good friend everyone wants but all I do still isn’t enough. Everyone I love will abandon me and then I’m going to die sad and alone. I’ve never had one suicidal thought that wasn’t brought on by a friend or parent. I hate everything and it’s all their fault. They broke me. They made me this way. My mom thought she was being a good mom but she hurt me really bad. Her ‘truth’ was a little too much for a ten year old to handle. I have no one. I am no one. I have nothing. I am nothing. I wish I’d just die and it’d be over. I’m tired of being so cold. My heart is ice. I have no purpose. I’m a shoulder to cry on, something to vent to, someone to yell at, something to hurt, that’s it. I’m sorry but I don’t know what I did. Why doesn’t anyone see me? Why don’t they hear me screaming? Why don’t the see that I’m dying? What did I do? Why so I deserve this? What about me? Why do they always forget me? Why do they leave me out? Why am I always second? I’m tired. I wish I could die, but how can I, I don’t exist. My life sucks because it’s not a life at all. My life can be summed up by the song “Pitiful” by Sick Puppies and that is so pathetic.

 

The Mirror

I stand. Alone. Heartbroken, forgotten, & on my own, where I belong. No one here by my side, who knows what’s right. Cold and lost, here I am nothing but a ghost. Nothing’s left but an empty shell of what I used to be. Been stripped down so everything I used to be is a forgotten memory. They toke it all away from me, my dignity, my sanity. My life. My soul. Now I can’t control what I’ve become cause I don’t even know the person in the mirror staring back at me. A stranger I’ve never met who I hate more than any of the rest. That’s why I’ll always be standing here. Alone.

To: a friend, lover, more or less

From: anyone who’s ever been hurt by someone they love

If You Don’t Leave I Will

i Cut Myself just to see if i’m still Bleeding & i Drown Myself just to see if i’m still Breathing. Cause Every time you say you’re Leaving i think i’ll Die. i’m just hoping when you Leave that you’ll Stay Gone. Without you here i can see the Open door & withOut you here i’m not scared to go Outside. Cause if you’re Not here you can’t Hurt me like you always do. If you don’t leave soon i’ll be eating Bullets for Breakfast. i’m not sure if i’m still livin or if i’m just a Ghost, but i know that i’m eating Bullets for Breakfast if you don’t leave soon.

 

 

The Hardest Part Is Leaving You

The first thing you noticed was the smell. That horrid odor of disinfectant and death that was so strong it hung to your mouth after you left. The second thing was the brightness. Those blindingly-white walls illuminated by bad florescent lighting. The irony of a bright and shiny building that held so much devastation and gloom was almost comical. Then there were the sounds. Beeping around every corner followed by coughing, talking, and other miscellaneous sounds that are found when many humans are in one building. The Anthony family had experienced these sights, smells, and sounds for six months already, but it had never gotten any easier to walk down those haunted hallways.

Their eldest son was a prison in that place, and there was nothing they could do to free him. It had become to difficult for them to go there everyday, so Michael went on his own. They wanted to be there they just couldn’t bare seeing their child like that again.

Michael walked into Saint James like he’d done so many times before. He went to his brother’s room, opened the door, and walked to the lonely chair by the window. It was so routine now he didn’t know what he’d do when it ended. He sat down and waited for Arthur to wake up. He sat there for twenty minutes not uttering one word as he watched his brother’s chest gently rise and fall like he was keeping time to a secret song only he heard. Then Michael saw Arthur’s eyes flutter and finally open.

“Hey, Michael,” Arthur whispered.

“Hey. How are you feeling today?” Michael worriedly responded.

“I’m fine. I just really want to get out of here, you know? I want to know what unsanitized air smells like; I can’t even remember now,” Laughed Arthur.

“I know, and one of these days you’ll get out of this place.” .

“Yeah on my way to the mausoleum,” Arthur remarked.

In another end of the hospital a doctor is giving the news no parent ever wants to hear. “Yes Mrs. Anthony I’m sure there’s nothing more we can do for him. We’ll try chemo again but I can’t make any promises,” was a weary Dr. Brytoro’s response.

“But there has to be something you can do. You can’t just let Arthur die I won’t let you. I will not out live my son Dr. Brytoro, and neither will you,” Retorted Mrs. Anthony. “Good-bye Dr. Brytoro.”

“Good-bye Mrs. Anthony,” was all Dr. Brytoro could say, but she had already hung up on him.

The next day Mr. and Mrs. Anthony decided to go visit their son and try to convince him to start treatment again. They knew it would be hard but they had to try. Arthur hated chemo more than anything in this world.

After he was diagnosed with cancer the doctors started him on chemo immediately. Arthur hated how weak it made it him feel and how his hair fell out. He was sore all the time and very moody. Arthur was already a slightly depressed person but after treatment he became irrational, angry, and even mean. His parents knew he wouldn’t want to go through that again but they had to try.

They walked down the hall to that old, white door and pushed it open. They saw their son surrounded by faded blue walls and a blue blanket, lying on his side, staring at the window like he slept every night. He loved to watch the doctors and nurses walk to their cars on their way home and pretend he was going with them. His parents stood at the end of his bed waiting, and dreading, for him to wake up.

“Wow guys, your perkiness is going to give me a headache,” Joked Arthur.

“Sorry honey. We have some news for you, and before you get upset you need to hear us out. Dr. Brytoro says you can start chemo again.”

“No mom. No way will I ever do that again. I’d rather die, and yes I do mean that literally.” Arthur’s anger shook his mother to the core.

“But honey it’s our last chance. There’s nothing else they can do,” Pleaded Mrs. Anthony.

“Son your mother’s right you have no other choice.”

“Yes I do. I can die.” With that Arthur turned his head back to the window and watched life pass him by.

Mr. Anthony lead his shaky wife out to the hall where she broke down in tears. On the way home Mr. Anthony was silent and Mrs. Anthony cried, which had become their routine.

The next day they went back to the hospital hoping Arthur had calmed down a little. When they got there they were shocked by what they saw. Michael was sitting on the neatly-made bed where their eldest son should have been sleeping.

“Michael where’s your brother?” Asked Mrs. Anthony.

“He’s gone,” Replied Michael. “When I got here the bed was made and everything was empty. The only thing left was this note on his pillow.”

“What does it say?” Inquired Mr. Anthony.

“Well it says, ‘My lovelies, know that I love you, and I will always watch over you. You gave me the best life I could have had. In my darkest times you were my light. I’m at peace with dying and I ask that you don’t mourn me, but remember the good times. The hardest part is leaving you, but if I knew you’d carry on without me it wouldn’t be so hard. I’m unafraid and I wish you’d be too. With all the love in my heart, Arthur. P.S. Now I’m off to smell fresh air cause I don’t want to die not remembering what it smells like.’”

As Michael read Arthur’s note the family finally realized why it had been so hard visiting him, they knew it hurt him to see them upset, which hurt them. They spent six days not knowing where Arthur was, but they didn’t care because they knew he’d be happy just being anywhere but in that hospital.

Seven days from Arthur’s disappearance Mrs. Anthony woke-up to banging at her front door. As she ran downstairs she could smell the coffee her husband had made that morning. She could also hear her husband open the door and say something, but she couldn’t understand what it was. When she got to the living room she saw him with Michael standing by the couch, but she couldn’t see what they were staring at.

Arthur was lying on the sofa wheezing. As she ran to him she nearly collapsed. He looked up at her and mouthed I love you. Through tears she told him she’d always love him and then she leaned down and gently kissed his nearly transparent forehead. Arthur looked up at her, smiled, and said, “How could I forget fresh air smells like freedom, just like you.”

Now every year on the 24^th of October the Anthony family releases 30 butterflies over Arthur’s grave. 11 for the amount of days he lived past the doctors’ predictions and 19 for the amount of years he blessed their lives. The note Arthur wrote to them hangs over their front door, and now they always remember that they are each others’ light and they never forget to smell the fresh air.

 

Ok so in English class we had to write a short story so I used the the song Cancer by My Chemical Romance and wrote it like the song was about something that had really happended and since it was for school I used the middle names of the band members and I used some names and put together to make weird names.

If I Died Tomorrow

Would there be tears of life lost or of guilt? Would anyone remember my name? Would anyone care that I was no longer here? Would my teachers fill my seat & erase me from their rooms? Would my seat next to you be filled by someone new? Would you be glad? Would you realize how much you needed me? Would you realize you how much you ignored me? Would you feel bad? Would you feel anything? Would I be free? Would I be happy? Would I still be your friend? Would you still talk to me? Would you forget me? Would my voice ring in your ears. Would I haunt your dreams? Would you think of me? Would you see all the signs you missed? What would happen if I died tomorrow by my own hand?

In no way could I posibly make a top 10 list of my favorite songs so I'll narrow it down to 1 band, My Chamical Romance. 10. Headfirst For Halos 9.  You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison 8. I Never Told You Waht I So For A Living 7. Thank You For The Venom 6. Helena 5. Welcome To The Black Parade 4. Mama 3.  I'm Not Okay (I Promise) 2. Famous Last Words 1. Sleep   I'm not tagging anyone I'm just making Zippy happy.  There I participated to the largest extent I physically can.

8 random things about me.

1. I'm short.

2. I play the clarinet.

3. I'm a vegetarian.

4. I'm easily confussed.

5. I have OCD.

6. My eyes are very weird shade of green.

7. I love ducks and penguins.

8. I'm a total load-mouth liberal.

 

There I participate.  Happy now.

“You never want what you can actually have do you?” “No, where’s the fun in that?” “Guess there is none when it doesn’t matter. Sometimes I wish you’d know what it’s like to be like me one of the geeks that can’t get a girl.” “Dude you’re being way to dramatic man just chill it’ll be fine. We’ll find someone for you I promise.” “It’s bad luck t make a promise you can’t keep.” “Then I won’t have any bad luck I guess.” “You’re way to confident about this.” “No I’m not I’m just very optimistic.”

“I’m going to first period before I’m late.” “Yes we wouldn’t want that now would we. The ladies really hate when guys are late to class. Oh look you won’t even be early now.” “Shut-up. You know it’s people like you that make my life so hard.” “Oh, cue the violin.” Just then the tardy bell rings and they both run to class while Vince hums some sappy love song.

I decided it would be a good idea to go inside and have a look around. Word of advise if you’ve never been there don’t try to act like you have. I walked inside after finding an “open” door and looked around. The place is huge.

There’s a bunch of round tables along the walls with benches covered in dark purple and red velvet just like the chairs. The tables are painted purple and red with this weird gold lace like cover. The windows are sky high with long, thick, black velvet curtains. The mirrors are the weirdest thing though, there’s a mirror lined wall in the back and huge mirrors on the sided walls too. Even the ceiling is completely mirrored with giant gold Victorian chandeliers.

I’m a little ashamed to say I was ever in there. It’s such an extravagant place it looks like only pimps and gansters from the 30s would dare go inside it. It’s a strange place not only because of the design but also the feeling the place has. It’s almost like the building’s alive or something. That place freaks me out and I’m already dead. One things for sure if I wasn’t I wouldn’t go any where near that place. And another about that place, something very creepy and probably supernatural is going on there. It may take me awhile and a little help but I’m gonna get to the bottom of this. Wow, now I feel like a corny crime solver. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that horrendous place. It was so tacky. I actually think I’ll have nightmares about that place.

Raine would really have loved to be there I mean that boy loves over the top stuff. If there’s to much of it he says there’s not enough. I don’t think I’ll ever understand that boy I really don’t think I want to. Getting into Raine’s head would do some serious damage on someone’s mental health. I just hope he’s up to some seriously strenuous research time.

Another No Name

Raine and I started working very hard on research. “I want pizza.” “No Raine we’re not getting pizza.” “But I really want pizza.” “No.” “But I really want pizza.” “I don’t care if you really want it or not I don’t even care if you’ve discovered pizza’s the cure to cancer we’e not getting any pizza.” “If you want my starving on your conscience then that’s fine with me.” “Then it looks like we’re not getting any pizza.”

My father has never been good at being a father but you’ll find out more about that later.

All my life has been about how to please people and how to stay out of the way. I’ve been pleasing my teachers, my father, his friends, my friends, and even total strangers. My life was never y life it’s always been someone else’s. That’s the whole reason behind my moving continents to be free of

everyone who knows me and the fact that I killed my father didn’t hurt.

Living in a small community where everyone knows me or my family doesn’t make life any less difficult. Because everyone knows who I am they think they can judge me and watch me like I’m some kind of zoo animal on display. I always wanted to leave since I was a little kid but after what happened between my father and me I had to leave.

Right after I call the cops I ran out of the house and walked to the highway. There I hitchhiked to the harbor and got waited for the next fairy. When I was on that fairy I was the most excited and scared I had ever been in my life. I was leaving; after all the wanting and waiting I was finally out. But there was the feeling inside me of deep, deep fear that I couldn’t escape.

I had no money, I didn’t know where I was going, and I had just killed my father. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach, thrown down a hill, and then landed on a pile of feathers. I was sure if I should be terrified and run or if I should be grateful and relax in my victory. I was free for the first time in my life but I have never felt so trapped.

What’s more sad a person that kills themselves or a person that can’t?

Suicide

Drip, drip

As the blood runs from my veins

I feel no pain

For in death

I am numb

I remind myself everyday that I am not what everyone thinks I am just because I look it because looks can always change.

 

I could lose weight

I could dye my hair

I could cut my hair

I could wear more make-up

I could wear different closes

I could wear high heels to look tall

I could get a tan

I could wear my glasses

You never know what I might do.

Longing

Desire, yearning, hunger, lust.

For some things we must.

Persecution

Harassment, maltreatment, bullying, discrimination.

It’s a horrible thing that will consume our nation.